SheFallsSoftly

Fuck you, November. Fuck you.

For all of my friends who knew Rebekah Burgess…

Shock is a subtle way to phrase it… Life is too short for all of this hatred and pain… but all of that hatred and pain make life beautiful. I guess I’m not in the best state to talk about this right now.

So, I’ve been working on essentially two art projects that have been overlapping.

The first is based in using Polaroid cameras to create transfer prints. Essentially, you pull apart the pictures, slap it on some paper, and there you go. I spent all day trying to do this. All day. And probably $10 worth of film. What did I get for it? Burns from vodka and developer on my hands, and the unpleasant knowledge that I’m using the wrong camera/film and I’ll need to get new ones. That’s alright. Kodak cameras are about $10 now because they’re all so dang old. It’s just a little frustrating to have wasted so much time.

The second concerns x-rays. I came across a seller for bunches of x-rays, and bought a number. I am going to, essentially, be using x-rays to shrink wrap sculptures. After trying to figure out how on earth I might melt the film (microwave=explosion, oven=discoloration, fire=burning) I came to the sudden conclusion that a heat gun is the answer, and have thus purchased one. It should arrive in the next few days at which point I’ll need to do a google search for “flammability” and “plaster of paris.” You know, safety’s first and all of that.

Art makes me feel good about myself.. It’s sort of like being useful, but more interesting.

It’s hard to give the last word… I’ve gotten good at it, but I suppose I’m failing this time. I need to be away from him. I’m willing to leave the state to do it, and will as soon as I can… All I’m asking him is for the courtesy to quietly ignore me when it becomes necessary. With any luck the situation won’t come up again.



UCO was this weekend. The quarters curse resurfaces, but at least I was first speaker. I made myself sick by taking too many antihistamines (which my doctor prescribe to me as an anti-anxiolytic) and had to cough my way through the round today. The judging pool was supremely sketchy, but it’s all over and done now.



I’m feeling as if debate as a whole might be over and done with for me. I’ve just gotten to the point that I don’t enjoy it anymore. Why bother? I’m exhausted by all of its energies, and I’m not prepared to put even more into it.



I feel like I may be falling back into a little pit of depression. I suppose I should go see the doctor again, and perhaps get an anxiety medication that actually works. I’ve had too many panic attacks in recent days to feel alright about the world.



Looks like I’m going home for thanksgiving. What a surprise.. :-\ All well.



He’ll be here in just a few days, and that makes everything sounds so much better…

I’ve found myself inexplicably in love with Kanye West’s "Graduation" album. Just.. holy shit. It’s so good.

You know what’s beautiful? The whole wide world sometimes. I suppose it’s the onset of winter, but I’ve been so down recently… It’s nice to pull my head above water now and then.

Justin’s coming to town next friday. I am more excited than I can put into words.

So I’m working on all sorts of new dance projects… Attempting to finagle my way into Lynna’s Ballet II class, hoping to get a solo piece choreographed for auditions for various dance schools once I’m in (please let me be in) New York. Dance show is December 7, I think… It’s a lovely little thing to be a part of.

Speaking of things that it’s lovely to be a part of, I was in the Gazette’s Ghouls Gone Wild parade for Pseudodance/Nicole Moan. I wore a gorgeous corset and played with a bubble gun, as seen here:

Additionally, in the Halloween spirit we threw a "Mad Tea Party" themed party at which many of us shrunk, some of us grew, but all of us got drunk. I am presently still hungover from that little parade through wonderland, but it was well worth it. My costume was lovely, I’m sure eventually I’ll get around to uploading those pictures.

Today was Mikale’s birthday, and we celebrated a bit last night with singing and whatnot, and then more today with dinner at Sake, a japanese steakhouse right her in Nompton, which was lots of fun. It made us all an hour late to a debate meeting, which is really the best of all possible worlds.

UCO tournament is this weekend, which isn’t particularly a bastion of anticipation for me, but as of tomorrow I’ll be a week away from seeing him and just thinking of that makes the whole world a touch more bearable.

A recent bout of insomnia renders me awake at this lovely 2 in the morning, and I’m not certain it’s a change for the better. I still wake up at the same time, I just wake up exhausted. Lovely, right?

Oh, also, I worked at target for right about 2 days before quitting. Fuck work. Student loans are where it’s at.

I wonder what would happen if I posted an ad on craigslist looking for a pimp… Hmm.

November creates a chasm in my chest that’s filled by elation when I hear from him… Lovely, lovely world this is.

It’s almost December now.
Since when?
Time rushes like sand, and like sand
Sticks in hair, teeth, skin
Hides in corners of suitcases,
shoes, ear canals.

Well, yes, you were on the beach once.
Sun burned sky, skin penny orange.
Water wet. Sand grit.
Skin. Skin. Skin.

Granules and memories
Like mud
In the carry-on baggage
You’ve yet to clean out.

Our bodies
Suspended in water
Pressing together,
Insoluble solution.

I fell for
August’s awkward coppered airs.
Perfect copper sunset turns to rust.
Red, orange, green, white. Metal, dust.

August painted verdant rings around skin.
We were painted, still
Drenched water, pigment, color
Dissolving, insoluble, solving.

Skin.
I fell for it then.
Days passing like sand,
Tracking mud memories through,
August, September, October, November.
It’s almost December now.

So, I guess I should give all of you a real update, hmm? Less neurotic rambling, more catch-up on my life for those I can’t (or don’t) talk to very often…

Well, my trip home to Las Vegas was nice. I had dinner with my family and spent lots of long evenings with Justin. There is something so perfect about that entire weekend, in its own porn, pigeons, glitter and liquor kind of way.

I decided that I’m ready to be done with my undergraduate degree, so I’m going to go ahead and graduate in spring. Tanner is helping me out with the LSAT, and my scores are getting better every day. I’m lucky to have someone like him to rely on.

I’ve walked a bit on the sketchier side of the street, and found it’s not as life altering as I thought it would be. It’s for the best I think.

Dance is going beautifully, classes with Lynna are as spectacular as could be imagined, and I love them dearly.

Debate is… terrible. But the people are wonderful! And I love my partner dearly. We have some of the most adorable debate tubs known to man, and we’re not afraid to show that off.

I want a polaroid camera really badly. Random, I know, but it just seems like it would be super cool. Ebay is my friend… and this productly will likely be soon acquired.

I love you all. Really.

Those words (tattooed on delicate skin, a part of the body favored by him) have been my mantra for so long that i’ve forgotten when exactly i chose them… And yet there it is, like aimless liquid i move too quick to quite fit where i am. I move, invisible, it’s the leaves rustling, water rippling that leaves me seen.
I was just a child then, i say now, just sixteen and scared of so much feeling. So i followed a different course, came to this wide flat plane where i thought i’d be still, but blew round and round like a dust devil…
but where does He come in? He; the ex for whom i mourn profusely. Simply put, once he did, and now he doesn’t.
when, not so long back, an act of whimsy led me back to him (not He) my hands were bound, but upon returning I’ve found ( in and through him) not just wind, but skin… Like a spirit testing possessed bodies I movedcand surged and found connection, but that skin… Well, I left it with him. Disembodied now, noncorporeal before, missing what I never knew I didn’t have.
how do I love?
constantly.
with the passion and terror of some broken god
who, on nights like these, reminds wind of skin
in hopes of comfort, but only brings longing.
it hurts.
give more to me.

Well… This has been maybe the worst few weeks ever. Not in that "everything feels terrible" way, but more just a sudden realization that I’ve been getting screwed over a lot by the world and fate… And it’s not even November yet…

This all started, I think, with getting fired at La Luna which was actually sort of a blessing in disguise, in that I hated that job so much, and doing anything that isn’t going to it is really a blessing. It was a completely unwarranted action by our incompetent manager, and has been followed up nicely by two more firings within two weeks. That’s what I call running a company!

Then, I managed to cut my finger open, but not on the soft tissue-y side, straight through the nail. Yeah, that was an awesome way to start a 15 hour drive to Atlanta.

During this entire time I had a ridiculous flu that made me feel pretty much like death constantly. Everyone’s getting it, I’m sure you know what I mean.

While in Atlanta, battling illness and investigating new crushes, Lindsay and I got smacked around at our first open tournament and I do not say that lightly. 3-5, with one crushing defeat by Emory. We did have a few really good rounds there, though.

Simultaneously, I bought an iphone just before leaving and then was unable to activate it until the last day of the tournament leaving me utterly without phone. It works now, so I guess that’s the least of my petty first world problems.

In the same vain as my other boogie issues, as soon as I got home from Atlanta I realized that my laptop charger was broken and thus went to the apple store to have it replaced. Although they’ve replaced it several times before, they would not replace it this time. And were complete assholes about it. That  was awesome. So instead, I bought a new laptop and a cheap charger that may very well short circuit my machine. But I don’t care. Because I hate it.

Alternately, I’m going to be selling that very machine for parts on ebay in the next few days, offering free shipping to anyone who will crush the unused parts with a baseball bat and send me pictures. I hate that machine so much.

In the realm of dance, I had to drop my ballet and modern classes for a combination of the fact that the classes were too long for my poor body to handle, and a really long illness (flu) and all of the debating… I wouldn’t be able to attend enough of them. But I miss them.

Also, yesterday at dance class I did a jump and then landed on the knuckle-side of my toes really hard. It made a nice cracking noise, but isn’t broken…. I am limping and wearing an orthopedic shoe.

Also, ridiculously callous remarks from exes aren’t helping much either.

However, there is a possibility for turnabout.

Tomorrow I leave to go to Hays, Kansas for a few days, which is a perfect time for my car to break down (she says trying to jinx it). Hopefully it will be a fantastic journey into the unknown.. Or you know… Kansas.