SheFallsSoftly

November must be American because it seems to feel it has the right to encroach upon December’s rightful place.

All of this is going to come back someday and bite me on the ass, I think…. What can you expect from anyone but to do what it takes? It’s not that I’m cut throat… I’m just… ingenuitive.

Wings clear and veined

Slick like fat skimmed off soup
Too small to fly
Attached to dirt-colored skin
Fat hands
No words
But I loved him.
I imagined clipping wings
Like pulling off a dead spider’s legs
They wouldn’t take you anywhere…
But just in case.

Fuck you, November. Fuck you.

Well… This has been maybe the worst few weeks ever. Not in that "everything feels terrible" way, but more just a sudden realization that I’ve been getting screwed over a lot by the world and fate… And it’s not even November yet…

This all started, I think, with getting fired at La Luna which was actually sort of a blessing in disguise, in that I hated that job so much, and doing anything that isn’t going to it is really a blessing. It was a completely unwarranted action by our incompetent manager, and has been followed up nicely by two more firings within two weeks. That’s what I call running a company!

Then, I managed to cut my finger open, but not on the soft tissue-y side, straight through the nail. Yeah, that was an awesome way to start a 15 hour drive to Atlanta.

During this entire time I had a ridiculous flu that made me feel pretty much like death constantly. Everyone’s getting it, I’m sure you know what I mean.

While in Atlanta, battling illness and investigating new crushes, Lindsay and I got smacked around at our first open tournament and I do not say that lightly. 3-5, with one crushing defeat by Emory. We did have a few really good rounds there, though.

Simultaneously, I bought an iphone just before leaving and then was unable to activate it until the last day of the tournament leaving me utterly without phone. It works now, so I guess that’s the least of my petty first world problems.

In the same vain as my other boogie issues, as soon as I got home from Atlanta I realized that my laptop charger was broken and thus went to the apple store to have it replaced. Although they’ve replaced it several times before, they would not replace it this time. And were complete assholes about it. That  was awesome. So instead, I bought a new laptop and a cheap charger that may very well short circuit my machine. But I don’t care. Because I hate it.

Alternately, I’m going to be selling that very machine for parts on ebay in the next few days, offering free shipping to anyone who will crush the unused parts with a baseball bat and send me pictures. I hate that machine so much.

In the realm of dance, I had to drop my ballet and modern classes for a combination of the fact that the classes were too long for my poor body to handle, and a really long illness (flu) and all of the debating… I wouldn’t be able to attend enough of them. But I miss them.

Also, yesterday at dance class I did a jump and then landed on the knuckle-side of my toes really hard. It made a nice cracking noise, but isn’t broken…. I am limping and wearing an orthopedic shoe.

Also, ridiculously callous remarks from exes aren’t helping much either.

However, there is a possibility for turnabout.

Tomorrow I leave to go to Hays, Kansas for a few days, which is a perfect time for my car to break down (she says trying to jinx it). Hopefully it will be a fantastic journey into the unknown.. Or you know… Kansas.

Hearing an old song after a good long while is a little.. disorienting, isn’t it? This little bit of nonsense song was everything he meant to me for so little long. And I’ve written pages upon pages trying to rid him from my bones.
I used to take this feeling and turn it into pain and burning and desire. Today it just makes me a little sad for the girl that I was.
Oh Pablo Neruda… Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I do not love him, but I loved him once. Love is short but forgetting is so long. Words that I have memorized because they’ve become so close to my heart.
Today Seth said, “I do not know what love is,” and I couldn’t help but respond, “I sure hope I don’t…”
Oddly enough, this isn’t even what’s on my mind tonight. It’s the furthest from important so I write about it.

So, the break-up situation and its wake have become significantly less easy to deal with than I would have hoped initially. Luckily, today I remembered that I don’t have to be polite and as such I can feel free to write whatever I want about how I feel… No matter who it offends.

I find myself missing Billy not for who he is/was, but for the simple truth that I found someone I could have more or less contentedly spent my life with and that I didn’t have to worry about casual dating anymore. I really hate casual dating, I have such a hard time deciding to be into someone that it’s such a futile effort… I just didn’t want to have to do it anymore.

This depression has made me, occassionally, reach out for billy again.. Not romantically, just as a friend. Today I was in some deeper depths and told him that I was feeling deperessed… And he ran off to dinner. Just like that. “Stop being depressed. Dinner time now.”

It is these small acts of utter disinterest that remind me how little he actually cares for me… And it makes things easier and harder in many ways… Easier because all of the sudden I realize that he doesn’t really still want to be close, at least not yet. It makes things harder because I realize that his new girl thing is real, and there’s just not much I can do about that. Even if I went all sobby like last summer, I wouldn’t be able to get him back.

I don’t like all of the anxiety I’ve been having recently, and it doesn’t help that I’ve more or less stopped writing about it… I keep telling myself I’ll make an appointment to get some anxiety medication, but I keep not doing it. I think I will tomorrow… If I can keep giving myself writing assignments, and if it doesn’t make me less coordinated (dance concerns) I don’t think I’ll be losing anything… And if it can make my life a little more bearable on the day-to-day, then I’d really be gaining something.

Thank you everyone who went to my show this weekend, I’m so lucky to have so many good friends.

Well looky here.. A public post. How novel!

Sorry that I’ve been so incredibly absent of late, I’ve been trying to piece together how I feel about the world… I still haven’t, but I thought I might clue the world in to a few of my thoughts.

More than anything, I’m tired of being lectured by so many people… I know that breakups are hard. I know that it’s probably a bad idea to jump right into something new. I realize that I’m probably doing things wrong, the poignant thing is that i just don’t really care right now. I’m not going to act against my intuition even if it is wrong most of the time… Whatever I do will get me to where I need to be, even if I get a little banged up on the way. Thank you all for all of your advice, just try not to get upset at me for not taking it. I’m trying to do this as maturely as possible while still retaining some aspect of who I am.

Who I am.. that’s such a curious concept these days… I sent Billy a message right before the breakup promising to change a thousand different things about myself if it meant that he would want me in his life. If I can promise my identity away for stability, is there anything at the core of me worth saving? Probably. It’s hard to try to live for yourself after living for someone else for so long.

Regardless of all of that, I’ve been having fun recently. Been on a whole number of dates with a certain boy, seen many of my once-estranged friends. I had a ballet class with Pseudodance last night that was kind of a trainwreck but fun nonetheless. Leila’s a bad ass.

I’m looking for a new job. If anyone has any non-waiting jobs they think I might like, they should clue me in. I’d like a desk-type job so that I don’t have to be afraid that my incredibly variable income will fall through.

On another note, in the spirit of not keeping secrets I’m going to go ahead and reveal my side project that I’ve previously been keeping quiet. I’ve applied to be a Suicide Girl, my first photo shoot is tomorrow. I think it’s an interesting thing to do, and an experience I’d like to have.

Work is still dead. I will still get you drunk if you come in. Why must you forsake me?

I won’t lie.. I only wrote publicly in the hopes that it would help me write some poetry.

So. Billy and I are officially over. Just thought that cyberspace would want to know. It doesn’t hurt, really. It’s more a sinking and annoying pain. The sort that you want to scratch at but you know it’ll just get worse.

My life is a ghetto christmas. I get knock-offs of the gifts I really wanted.

Lindsay and I are officially National Champions. We won finals on a 3-0, I was 3rd speaker, she was 6th.

That is pretty much the only thing in my life that really feels like it is going well.