I believe the world is coming to an end
So. I’m leaving in 14 days.
It’s a little strange, the world feels like it’s still going on. I still spend my days at work, my nights with friends. I still sleep endless hours, still opt out of parties because I’m too tired. The sun still burned my skin, some words still feel too right on my lips, I still can’t finish a poem to save my life.
The tone of everything, though, it’s changed. Billy and I begin small arguments but stop short. Who wants to spend the last hours fighting? The girls in the troupe are all clamoring to get the last bits of my time, finish one last dance, sew one last costume, watch one last episode of Doctor Who. Who can complain though? I’m spending my last few days here surrounded by the people I love the most, doing the things I love the most. It almost makes it hurt less.
Billy got me this gorgeous necklace a week ago. A little porcelain tardis with endless curlicues of silver wire. It travels in space. And oh, did I mention that it travels in time too?
I came across this line in a bit of writing, "It made sense for him to love her. After all, they fit together and she already knew how to use a fire extinguisher." What a gorgeous idea. It makes me want to love someone for the worst reasons, to need them for the things that should matter least.
I’d say that that’s not the way that I love, but I’m not certain that it would be the truth. I’ve loved a lot less than I like to think I have, and it’s hard trying to draw comparisons from such a small sample. Unfortunately, I love Billy for the best of reasons. I’ll try not to hold it against him, though.
I read a short story about the slow progression towards insanity, and i had the worst time getting through it. Like any story about psychosis that are narrated by the insane, you really ought not trust the voice of the speaker. It’s hard not to, though. It’s very hard not to sympathize with their feelings and it creates an awful internal conflict in the reader (probably the desired affect, but still very disorienting). I’ve finished it and I feel somewhat off-kilter. Thank god for psychoactive medications, god only knows how I’d be faring without them.
And for the record, I’m terrified of going to law school. I’ve built up all this momentum, 8 years now of one goal, one end point, a learning process so altering I can hardly imagine my life afterward. I’m terrified that I’ll be lazy, that I’ll be forgetful. I’m even more scared that I just won’t be smart enough. I can brush off failure that could have been avoided with more hard work. I cannot come to terms with the possibility that no matter how hard I try there’s something I couldn’t succeed at. That’s probably conceited of me. All well.
I guess what I’m really trying to say here, is I used to have this shirt from Threadless called Consumable. It had a picture of a box of apple juice with a post it note on it that had a drawing of an angry face, and a little speech bubble that said "Rawr!" I would like that shirt back.
Let’s see how far we’ve come