SheFallsSoftly

Well, 2007 is damn close to over. I can’t believe how much my world changes so quickly… My luck changes like the weather in Oklahoma. One day I’m wearing long johns, the next a halter top.

It’s been a good week or so for dating for me. Despite Christmas drama, I went on a really good date while I was in Albuquerque… Good enough that it might be worth pursuing further. Even better, there’s another prospect on the horizon. And both of them like guitar hero! I’m a lucky girl recently. We’ll see how that goes… Hopefully something good can come of it.

I’m home in Vegas for New Year’s… I’m going to a rave to celebrate the event, and will be all kinds of messed up and dancing. Lindsay (my true love) is coming to visit me while I’m here and we’re going to have amazing adventures.

It’s the time of year to think of resolutions, I think… I gave a list last time of various mistakes I hoped to not repeat, but I guess I have to do a bit better than that.

I resolve to:

1. Always be treated the way I deserve to be treated.
   
2. Change the way I think about sex.
3. Find a healthy way to lose a few pounds.
4. Keep my friends and family close to my heart.

Adventuresome, yes?

Anyway. Things are good. I’m happy. Yay!

1. Honors perspectives courses
2. Working on debate
3. Sucking at guitar hero
4. Worrying about money
5. Caring what other people think
6. Settling into medication
7. Trying to deal with problems without professional help
8. Sending text messages in latin
9. Keeping a boy/girlfriend
10. Working at La Luna
11. Having to miss dance
12. Drama
13. Hating my body
14. Wanting to change for others
15. Stupid fights among friends
16. Having to learn to sleep alone
17. Sexual addiction
18. Being unartistic
19. Being afraid of the LSAT
20. Boys being cruel to my friends
21. Being afraid of substances
22. Being afraid to let go
23. Regretting
24. Looking back
25. Being unselfish when I should have been selfish
26. Being forgiven when I should have been merciless
27. Being restrained when I should have been wild
28. Being cruel
29. Being dishonest
30. Compromising too often
31. 12 months of the Bush administration
32. Fall semester
33. Giving up too early
34. Holding on to people who want to go
35. Forgetting to write Sara
36. Forgetting to tell Lindsay how beautiful she is
37. Forgetting to tell Scott how much I appreciate him
38. Forgetting to tell Seth how great he is
39. Forgettin to tell mikale how amazing of a friend she is
40. A time before The Blow
41. Missing Leila’s shows
42. Missing concerts that I wanted to see
43. Not travelling
44. Needing someone else to complete me
45. Apologizing for being different
46. Trying too hard
47. Not reading enough
48. Not dancing enough
49. Not writing enough
50. Not creating enough

Deep down I really love pigeons. They’re scruffy and scrappy and opportunistic… If anybody is out for itself it’s a pigeon. They’re also strangely gentle in soft coos, slowly fluffed feathers pruned.. My mother would never let me touch the feathers  left behind, would wipe off shit from benches before I sat. Pigeons were dirty, I was taught… But I’d sit outside and feed them popcorn and stale bread for hours, just watching them teeter around aimless, impatient… When I threw them crumbs, every bird would flock for it and one little sick broken bird would always be left out. There’s one in every bunch, broken leg, damaged wing… Something defective. I’d attempt to toss food to just it, but inevitably some other birds would steal it.

I don’t want to take that little bit of something that’s been offered to you.

I guess what I’m saying is survival is a trick that not everyone has figured out yet. Like a pigeon stealing food from its friends… I’m doing the best that I can.

I don’t want to damage that one last hope that you have left… but this is what I need to live. I have a feeling you’ll survive without me.

November must be American because it seems to feel it has the right to encroach upon December’s rightful place.

All of this is going to come back someday and bite me on the ass, I think…. What can you expect from anyone but to do what it takes? It’s not that I’m cut throat… I’m just… ingenuitive.

Wings clear and veined

Slick like fat skimmed off soup
Too small to fly
Attached to dirt-colored skin
Fat hands
No words
But I loved him.
I imagined clipping wings
Like pulling off a dead spider’s legs
They wouldn’t take you anywhere…
But just in case.