So, the past few weeks have been a pretty solid reminder of why I hate casual dating so much. Previously I have been very talented at finding myself a boy of interest and sticking with him for at least a few months. This summer, though, the few stabs in the dark I have made have been messy and unfulfilling. It makes me wish I was a bit more independent, that I could find happiness in work, school, dance, writing and leave boys entirely out of the equation. It’s not as if my life is empty, really it’s anything but. The bigger problem is that at night my bed is empty and it’s so hard to sleep alone.
I suppose this is my fault as much as everyone else’s. I am not easy to get along with. I’m unapolegetically intellectual, and get told a lot that I’m elitist. I’m abrasively forward, uncomfortably open, and honest to a fault. I don’t play games, which prevents many connections from being founded. More than anything, though, I just can’t keep my head in the game.
It’s strange. I’ve always thought of my life as a sort of absurd farce where the worst possible thing loves to happen at the worst possible time. Usually, though, it feels very real as it’s happening. This summer I feel as if I’m quietly laughing at everything as it happens. “Oh, he’s hitting on my roommate. Isn’t that funny? I guess I should be upset.”
I think maybe it’s a summer of important formations for me… I came to some sudden realizations in the last week or so. In general, my relationships take the following pattern: Boy meets Casey, Casey pursues Boy, Boy falls for Casey, Casey mistreats boy. However, Billy took me to the exact opposite of that extreme. This was not, to be clear, fault on his part. I’ve decided that my new and improved definition in love is best summed up as “the mutual discovery of what it takes to make the opposite partner happy.” This means that if I needed Billy to ignore my phonecalls and be kind of a jerk, then he did the right thing. Of course, in a vacuum this sounds sort of strange, but in practice it makes quite a bit of sense. I needed someone to show me what it felt like to be on the other side of the equation, and I needed someone to give me faith in the fact that there could be relationships where power was equal. In that sense, Billy has helped me to grow as a person and I’m glad for it.
That growth, however, is sort of difficult. Much like a tree can grow crooked without a post, I am squirming to figure out the best way to form. All the sudden, I have quite a bit of confidence and faith in myself. If someone mistreats me I have very little discrepancy with letting them know. If I am not interested in them, I let them know. The choice I have to make at this juncture is who I would like to be. How “clingy” do I wish to stay? How dedicated?
A simple example; Casey asks Boy for X. Boy says X will occur. Later, Boy says X will not occur. Casey is upset. Boy is annoyed at her upsetness. Do I want to say that X must happen, or that X must not be promised if it will not happen? Realistically, I am probably not particularly committed to any particular Boy, so it might make more sense to say that X must not be promised. But what kind of commitment do I want from Boy? It’s really a difficult situation.
The world is a strange place, but it’s nice to feel independent…