SheFallsSoftly

So, in a remarkable surprise turnaround, I am, against all odds, both single and completely fine. I was expecting at least a few weeks of last summer’s anxiety and depression but I made a whirlwind recovery. I know the world laments for the loss of bitter break-up poetry, but I’m rather happy with my lack of need for medication for the time being. I believe the pool is still accepting bets as to when this all hits me and I freak out.

In a similar vein, I don’t think I’ll be dating any time in the next four months. Dear lord people, please remind me of this when I meet some guy who is "Seriously, really cute and so smart and I mean, I just like him, you know?" If it’s a girl, let me be. I believe the pool is also taking bets on how quickly I’ll fall off of that wagon.

In other news, I am kinkier than I thought.

I’ve been spending a rather remarkable amount of time with Mikale recently, who is an absolutely phenomenal person. I’ve been missing Christopher dearly and am very excited at his new romance.  Leila has a show this weekend at the Home for Wayward Poets fundraiser, which should be pretty awesome.

Classes are uneventful, mostly because I don’t actually have to attend them. Online classes are seriously the shit. What was I thinking actually going to classes all this time?

Work is dead. Come visit me sometime. I’ll give you liquor in exchange for generous tips…

So. Billy and I are officially over. Just thought that cyberspace would want to know. It doesn’t hurt, really. It’s more a sinking and annoying pain. The sort that you want to scratch at but you know it’ll just get worse.

My life is a ghetto christmas. I get knock-offs of the gifts I really wanted.

I suppose that I’ll tell you about my recent activities. A few weeks back Billy and I took off to South Padre Island island. I just returned home from a week in Las Vegas. The trip was nice, I spent a lot of time with Sara and Justin who I’ve missed terribly. I’m also now decorated with two new tattoos. My little sister graduated while I was there, so we’re all proud of her being the first amongst us to walk.

I’ve been having lots of fun parties at my apartment… I think every night since I’ve been home we’ve had some quantity of people over and played guitar hero and singstar (awesome karaoke game) and went swimming and got really very trashed. If you read this and you want to come, you’re probably invited.

I’ve been meeting with a photographer recently for a too-private-for-the-internets photo project I’m going to be starting. Once again, if you read this and you want to know what’s up, just ask.

A note to the future if my poetry gets famous: focus on the falling imagery, and the drowning imagery.

Instead of letting my mind wander recently, I’ve started using a mantra. "There is so much beauty in the world" is the beginning, and then I list off every beautiful thing I can think of "Rain, baby toe nails, lamps in the darkness, fireflies, the ocean, flower petals.." with now and then "There is so much beauty in the world" thrown in again. It feels like I’m drowning (flag the page here, future howard scholars hahaha) in the realization that I am so small and that I appreciate almost nothing of what is around me. We as a culture need to creat our danger, but we need to create our beauty as well. We have art shows and dance and hedged gardens because we equate order and symmetry with beauty, and really all of those things are beautiful as well but have you ever really looked at the inside of a plum and thought about how gorgeously wet and almost violently fleshy it looks? It’s hard to be upset about anything when I realize that, it’s hard to dwell on the unhappy things.

This moment is the first time I’ve been alone since I left Las Vegas. There is so much beauty in the world.

This is free fall.
That is all.
We want speed,
Scream “faster”;
We, the privileged, need to stage
Danger.
Careening in cars, circling at carnivals,
We get dizzy-excited-and-a-little
But-not-too-too-scared
Illusion of danger
And we’ll have dinner
Later.
This is free fall.
The ground is hard.
Not an accident,
No parachute
That didn’t deploy.
No safety measures.
Not manufacturer error.
Blame the cliff
Steep/romantic.
Blame the wind, bumping into skin
Sliding past
Letting the body slip.
Blame gravity for clinginess
Pulling the body with enough force
To crush it.
That is all.
This is free fall.
The ground is hard.
No surprise ending.
The ground is there
Waiting.
(Does the ground wait for the
event, or is it just there, being?
Can anything just “be”?)
No time for philosophies,
No moment of prayer.
Just velocity, urgency,
And then non-being.
This is free fall.
The ground is hard.
That is all.