SheFallsSoftly

So at our first Open division tournament, lindsay and I went 3-5 on a whole bunch of close ballots. I thought we were pretty amazing.

I’m starting my new project for next semester, I’ve kind of got big plans for debate? I’m pretty excited about everything I’m taking on, I kind of want to be good I guess. I don’t know that debate is the thing I want to be doing the most, but it’s something that I’m good at that I’ll do for now.

All of these "where am I?" "who am I?" "what is my purpose?" questions recently roll like water off my back, Just doesn’t seem to matter anymore. What am I trying to know better anyway?

Today I wrote a personal ad, as an assignment in class. We were supposed to write to the music that we search for. Here’s mine:

Seeking pensive melodies wrapped around wistful words that will make my stomach drop. First connections are everything, simplicity is key. Must be willing to touch the tender spots until I don’t know if I’ll scream or cry, and to coax the tears out on lonely nights. This isn’t about satisfaction, I’ve been satisfied before. This is about the unfulfilled passion, the heart wrenching agony of wanting something you know you’ll never get.

Lindsay and I are officially National Champions. We won finals on a 3-0, I was 3rd speaker, she was 6th.

That is pretty much the only thing in my life that really feels like it is going well.

The same people in your life that usually do nothing but make you happy, well they also have the ability to make you nothing but miserable. Trust is funny in that you can’t just give it during the good times and take it back during the bad ones in order to keep yourself from getting hurt… It’s like we’ve been taking turns the last couple of days where alternately one of us is hurting the other really badly and one of us is trying really hard to fix things. Both of us feel betrayed and used constantly. I find myself wanting to say more but being incapable of explaining in so many different ways.

I don’t really know anymore. I’m sick, I can’t sleep, I’m stuck in this depression that makes my whole body feel like a car that’s frozen up, and I feel like I am always trying so hard and failing.

We went to Novice/JV Nats, got to Semis, first speaker for me third for lindsay. Given how my life has gone since I’ve gotten home, it just doesn’t really seem to matter.

Everything is unstable. Everything is uncomfortable. Everything feels wrong.

This is the sort of emo post insomnia at 3 am reduces me to. (Yes, I’m so emo I even apologize for being emo)