SheFallsSoftly

Well, I’ve failed miserably at my New Year’s resolution so far this year, but I’m not really surprised. If I can’t plot out the process in my agenda, there’s really no chance of something happening these days. The best I can do is focus and hope, which is really all you can do in any situation.

Much like the start of any semester I’m high strung and confused, and additionally I’ve got a new(ish) relationship to be felt out and am trying (and failing miserably) not to alienate all of my friends in the process of balancing that and my need to get really good grades this semester. Not to mention the fact that I am working around 6 shifts a week (comes to about 25 hours) besides my second job (10 hours a week) for some reason completely beyond my comprehension. Essentially, I am busy every night except (sometimes) those on the weekend until around 9pm. Most of the days that I have I’m frantically trying to process the reading for 18 hours worth of soft science classes, and to keep my apartment orderly and stocked with things to eat on the off chance i remember to eat them.

What I hate most about exactly this point in winter is how I start to doubt everything. It’s so full of beginnings, new year, new semester, classically this period coincides with some sort of new boyfriend type issue.. And so I spend all of my time wondering who I want to be for the future that will follow this new beginning, and the part of me that wants desperately to be that relaxed and comfortable girl who is at home in her skin and happy with her life will never come to fruition particuarly because i spend time worrying about being her. And of course, it’s the beginning of a swimsuit season so I feel the obligatory weight issues that come with walking into your favorite store and realizing that there is a rack of bikinis out instead of comfy outerwear. Most remarkably, though, I’m becoming highly disconcerted by my sudden and intense fear of change. When did I start to worry about and try to prevent  the natural flow of things? It’s terribly unlike me and I’d truly like to stop.

This entry contains enough rambling that it has merited a place in the "useless whining" section of my journal.

4:12:12 PM itsalljustlovely: and if i could love you through this rather sick and somewhat cruel but still somehow innocent thing you’re doing to me right now
4:12:19 PM itsalljustlovely: i could love you through anything

It’s worth remembering, isn’t it?

So, it’s 2007. This year my resolution is to remember what matters. That’s it really, to keep in mind what I want and to stop freaking out about the little things. Usually I let the world at large get me down and I’m kind of sick of being my neurotic little self.

I’m at a debate tournament, UNT presently, and it seems to be going pretty well. Lindsay and I were undefeated in our prelims and got a bye through partial octos, so we’ll be debating quarters bright and early tomorrow morning. Since we’re the top of the division, we’ll be debating the bottom of the division so hopefully we can break our infinite curse of dropping in quarters.

At UTD we’ll be going Open for the first time, and I’m pretty much terrified. It’s not that I don’t have faith in our argument, or that I don’t think Lindsay and I are good debaters… I just get the feeling that we’re going to get slapped around before we understand the nature of the game.