SheFallsSoftly

Fortune cookies are often times the reason my life makes sense. I usually tease a certain communist for his reliance on the random, however I think I do much of the same thing in a very different way. I love to plan. This is pretty obvious if you look at my date book, and notice how often times I retroactively write down the things I did just so they’ve got some concrete form in the face of the world. I spend a lot of time dividing time, and looking ahead, and for better or for worse, planning. I find my peace not in the strict allocation of time to events, however, but in tiny little signs that tell me my priorities are in order. This can come in many forms, from an oddly poignant web comic to the words on the inside of a bottle of jones soda, or to the somewhat grammatically unsound promises of a fortune tucked inside of a styrofoam-esque cookie.

This may not be essentially the same as flipping a coin to decide how close I let the people in my life get to me, but it still hints and the need for the unmoved mover’s acquiescence to the plans laid for the future.

Today, in a perfectly suiting random act of interest, Patrick distributed amongst Billy and myself the three fortune cookies that had been laying on Billy’s coffee table since chinese food and Bull Durham. We each opened ours, read them one at a time, and mine said "better to aim for the moon than shoot into the well." I find/found that inexplicably comforting in the face of the rather tenuous tight rope I’ve been walking emotionally.

Even if at the end of this it all goes horribly, I’ll always be able to tell myself that I never once stopped trying. I may have ran, I may have hid, and I may have gotten angry, but within hours usually, or at most days, there I was again being completely honest and open. For once in my life I can say that I didn’t settle for a certain second best instead of a possible first just because it’s easier… I really gave my all.

Billy will be in Paris by the time I awake in the morning, and I am presently in Iowa for Thanksgiving dinner with Scott and his family. It’s a good week for distance, and for going new places, and for finding time to think. I think that’s what I like most about long road trips (such as the 9 hours to Iowa) even if the cramping is somewhat troubling, the time to just self reflect and figure out if you are making the right choices.

I think I am.

I never knew how bad Novembers were, but blessed with the gift of analysis, I’ve come to understand the truth. This month is designed to make me forget how good fall really is. There have been a whole sea of "difficult" issues, from a pretty severe freak illness personally to a round of health problems in my whole family, from a romantically situated emo-tional rollercoster to the sudden feeling that I am all alone with no direction. Perhaps there is a balance in the world that must be created, maybe November (not April) is the cruelest month. All I know now is this month of horrors has the chance now to end on a very good note or a very bad one. I’ll cross my fingers, smile, and behave as the wind behaves for the next nearly-two-weeks; it’s all that can be done.

Also, there is a conspiracy around the number 27. This becomes clearer to me every day.

I realized today that I’m getting really sick of talking about feelings all of the time. I’ll have to default to my other option when useless whining runs out; daily happenings.

I have a strong urge to see a concert recently… I’ll have to see what the city of Norman can offer me over Thanksgiving break other than anxiety, mashed potatoes, and occasional jabs of loneliness.

You always find the perfect way to make it clear that you just don’t care what I have to say.

Passive aggressivism has taken a whole new role in my life, and although mostly I think it’s pretty cute sometimes it gets wearsome when I’m not allowed to answer what is desired to be heard. Maybe if it scares you to want something, you should find a way to stop being scared instead of finding a way to not want it.

this is hard and i blame november.

Had the UCO tournament recently, went 4-2 in prelims, got walked over by Eicher and Yost in quarters. Lindsay and I recieved 9th and 7th speaker respectively.

School is progressing, I’m  not certain I’m enjoying it, but I am doing my best to keep up. A long paper due today that I’m presently procrastinating on, and another due next week that I haven’t even considered starting. Much to do, little time, so many distractions.

I thought before, "Would my life be easier if I’d never met you?" and I answered "Yes." But that’s not the question is it? Simplicity just doesn’t make for happiness with me.