you’re barely waking and i’m tangled up in you
The most notable aspect of my life recently is a quiet sort of sadness that I just can’t seem to understand… Really, I mean, I’m happy. I’m doing well, I couldn’t much ask for more without feeling greedy.
I’ve been doing well in school, at least well enough to get by. My personal life has quieted down a bit, my friends are safe and I’m learning how to sleep alone. My mother finally called me back so I’m not worrying about her anymore. I’m moving soon, so I’ll be able to feel like I can be myself in my space.
Maybe I just feel out of control of all the things that are happening… Maybe I’m intimidated by this new feeling of being alone. I know that part of me is afraid that no one will ever love me with the passion with which I love. Part of me is afraid that I’ll never learn to love someone else. I worry that I’m settling, and that I’m aiming too high for something I don’t want, and that there’s nothing in life I really love to do.
Maybe I feel like I’ve just been going through the motions… I’m single so I’m pursuing, and it’s a lot of fun but it’s sort of predictable I guess. I don’t really want a new boyfriend, I don’t really know what I want.
I’m feeling pretty guilty for sleeping (no, really. sleeping.) over with someone recently… It was the sort of over emotional thing I’ve grown accustomed to doing recently, and I must have thought to myself 10 times in the course of the night that I really had to leave. I just can’t handle being so dependent on someone anymore, but I can’t say no to the offer of not having to be alone, even for just one night.
I never learned to trust my instincts, only learned to ride the waves as they come. This may just be one of those things I cannot coast through, I might have to make a choice sometime soon.