SheFallsSoftly

"Maybe" is a sin against my quiet lips, so I sit, brash, uncertain.

"Tomorrow" is an idol once I worshipped but now vainly reject.

"Promise" is a self deluded begging of the question, even though I know the answer is not "yes"

"Why?" is a plea I just can’t make again.



All I have these days are distance, questions, regrets… All I want is quiet reassurance and to learn how to forget. In lieu of you, I’d take nothing else, no matter the foolish things I’ve said.

With the debate season well over half over, my days seem to be calming down a bit. Things have been interesting, and sickly, and all around pretty normal for the latter half of a semester in my life.

The weekend before last I took my first ever road trip to Wichita to see a few debate friends… It was a nice time. I think I’d like to do it more often.

I had a bit of a fainting spell during my latin exam last thursday, and was diagnosed with some pretty nasty anemia among other more troubling blood disorders… Always the trooper though, I was on the bus to Emporia the next day. We went 5-1 in prelims, choked in quarters, and took 2nd and 4th speaker. Pretty much, Lindsay and I are very hardcore.

This week has been slower paced, my teachers are taking pity on me and my sickly little self. I’ve signed my lease for my new apartment that I’ll be moving into come the first of november. November is a really a bad time to start new pages of my life, however I just cannot live where I do anymore. Scott and Lindsay will be living with me, which should be terribly exciting. I’ve also enrolled in my classes. It looks like it will be Creative Writing, Literary Explorations of Power, Women and Religion, Classical influences on modern literature (focus: utopias), and Literary and Cinematic Explorations of Power. Soft sciences make me smile.

I’ve been feeling lonely, and confrontational, and wondering if I should be with someone right now. The answer is clearly that I should not, but I wonder anyway. Had a few days where I freaked out at the slightest bit of attention, it’s weird how dressing provocatively will do that to you.

It seems increasingly more likely that I’m not ever going to stop feeling the way I do, and I don’t know whether to be miserable or thankful.

4:01:55 PM youaremy7thseal: (moment of rare simplicity.  you can thank me for it later.)  I am certain that I am not in love with you.  I am uncertain that I will never be.

The most notable aspect of my life recently is a quiet sort of sadness that I just can’t seem to understand… Really, I mean, I’m happy. I’m doing well, I couldn’t much ask for more without feeling greedy.

I’ve been doing well in school, at least well enough to get by. My personal life has quieted down a bit, my friends are safe and I’m learning how to sleep alone. My mother finally called me back so I’m not worrying about her anymore. I’m moving soon, so I’ll be able to feel like I can be myself in my space.

Maybe I just feel out of control of all the things that are happening… Maybe I’m intimidated by this new feeling of being alone. I know that part of me is afraid that no one will ever love me with the passion with which I love. Part of me is afraid that I’ll never learn to love someone else. I worry that I’m settling, and that I’m aiming too high for something I don’t want, and that there’s nothing in life I really love to do.

Maybe I feel like I’ve just been going through the motions… I’m single so I’m pursuing, and it’s a lot of fun but it’s sort of predictable I guess. I don’t really want a new boyfriend, I don’t really know what I want.

I’m feeling pretty guilty for sleeping (no, really. sleeping.) over with someone recently… It was the sort of over emotional thing I’ve grown accustomed to doing recently, and I must have thought to myself 10 times in the course of the night that I really had to leave. I just can’t handle being so dependent on someone anymore, but I can’t say no to the offer of not having to be alone, even for just one night.

I never learned to trust my instincts, only learned to ride the waves as they come. This may just be one of those things I cannot coast through, I might have to make a choice sometime soon.

I remember August, the months
between us and then;
apricot blossoms,
nectar swollen peaches dripping down chins,
midnight rain against the window,
and maybe jazz, instrumental
some sweet and yearning song
that the neighbor played
at dawn.

You said you didn’t like the downy
skin, and sliced it into
wet and fibrous crescents
licking syrup off the slick silver blade
of your shiny red swiss army knife
and pulled the swollen pink-orange pulp
out of tender flesh with half-bared teeth
lips wet and glossed.

When it started raining, I threw
my sweater full over my head
laughter rustled through oak branches and
wet, sluicing still green leaves
as I ran for home.
You smirked and chased after me.

We got in soaked bone deep,
teeth chattering we laid quiet
in each other’s heat
and listened to
some distant serenade.

If I could be that girl again;
red swashes of laughter through
golden beach summers,
young and playing younger
all wind, and sun, and laughter.

Instead, with heedful morning
slipping quiet past
headlong night,
and the aria ebbing out
I’ll become some silent Other
waiting listless through
another anonymous November.

In a surprising fit of realism, I am very suddenly single again. I don’t really know how I feel about this… I was very happy with Chris, but I’d rather stop while it’s good than drag it on until we can’t be friends anymore. I’m handling it rather well, a few hours of general melancholy and now I’m more or less fine.

I had a nice time at this weekend’s debate tournament, spent many hours with my debate partner, flirted with a whole slew of very smart very cute boys. We ended up getting to quarter finals and I was rated seventh speaker in JV… We’ve decided to, from now on, be a performative team and mostly read poetry and play music and stuff. One or two Cohn cards, one or two Makau cards, and a couple cards about building the personal ethic should be all we ever need.

It’s been hard for me to pay attention in class recently, and I haven’t been working hard enough. My life is nothing but stress and concern and distraction and I’m pretty certain I’ll have a B average at best this semester.

All well.