I keep telling myself I’m not the desperate type
I don’t always do things because I think they’ll be good decisions. I do probably about 50% of non vital daily activities solely because they’ll entertain me and I know they’re bad choices. I embrace life as a vaguely entertaining dramatic farce. I presume that everything I’m feeling is fake, that I don’t mean a word I say *really*. Of course, this is the nihilist in me telling me none of it has any meaning, nothing can be true. As long as I can think, I can doubt, and as long as I can doubt reality never quite hits tangibility.
With all of that in mind, let me feign a tear for the past and some hope for the future. Let me say that this is hurting me so deeply, and I’m so sad that I had to do it. Let me pretend like I won’t be able to sleep at night.
The problem is that everyone is writing their own farce, so the part I’m playing is always getting misinterpreted by my critics. Oh, the pain of being an artist. I play honest and genuinely exposed. They interpret as crazed and obsessive.
Let me put it this way; I don’t want him back. Hell, I don’t even want him in my life. Doesn’t mean my characted isn’t obligated to show lots of remorse and even have a dramatic crawling back type scene. For the moment, this is where my script is leading me, and right now I hope that it keeps leading me the same way, no looking backward, no self doubt, no sudden relapse.
What I want, or more accurately what my character is scripted to want, is to stop thinking all of the goddamned time. I want to stop worrying and asking questions, and pondering philosophically, and I want to stop being this type of intelligent. I know lots of very booksmart girls who have never once questioned their existence. I want that. I want peace of mind, and simplicity, and I want to really have a unified vision of what I want that doesn’t involve going back in time and changing all of these atrocious choices I’ve made.
I am angry right now. I had my feelings hurt, and I feel exposed and humiliated. I am bitter right now because what I thought I wanted is turning out to be something entirely different than I had envisioned. It isn’t what I wanted at all, it is some gross charicature of one aspect of what I wanted. Angry and bitter are good motivators when it comes to making changes, and I have been pretty certain for a good long while that this change had to be made.
I’m really no good at goodbyes. What I wanted to say in that conversation was not what I said. All I really wanted to say was "I am so much better than the way you treat me. I do not like the part of you I have found, and I don’t want to know it anymore. Go fuck yourself." I always add lines that just clutter the meaning and the feeling. Likely, even if I had gotten that far I would have added on a good "Someday, I hope you pull your head out of your ass long enough to be happy," but it really wouldn’t have portrayed the selfish self preservation that I’m indulging right now.
I’m the sort of girl that loves a challenge. Maybe I should keep my challenges rooted in academia from now on.
Is you thinking that I don’t know
August 15th, 2006 at 4:09 pm
We really need to sit down and talk in person (I’m really sick of trying to talk via IM) sometime. After reading this, my prayers for you have gone up a notch. You’re not alone - not quite - in feeling the way you do, though I’m sure you and I have plenty of differences in the way we go through those kinds of things. And ther emay not be many people who question existence quite as deeply as you do. But there are a few. Like I said… let’s talk sometime. IM me; even if I’m not here, you can leave me the times you’re available and I’ll get back to you.
August 15th, 2006 at 9:02 pm
“What I want, or more accurately what my character is scripted to want, is to stop thinking all of the goddamned time. I want to stop worrying and asking questions, and pondering philosophically, and I want to stop being this type of intelligent. I know lots of very booksmart girls who have never once questioned their existence. I want that. I want peace of mind, and simplicity…”
GET OUT OF MY HEAD