SheFallsSoftly

These days I spend my time looking for your confessions, written on water or wind
If I walk the seas, or stand through the storm, maybe it will come to me then.
If in the taste of ocean spray, the feel of wind whipping through a sheer cotton skirt,
In the reflection from a looking pool, the shadow from a sycamore,
Or the shape of a snowflake there is an answer
Or, lacking the answer, just the shape of the question
Then, I will pack up four seasons worth of clothing
Heavy knit heather sweaters,
Strappy leather flip flops,
Mittens, a cardigan,
A toe ring
Scarves
Bikinis
Stuff it tight into my suitcase with wheels that squeak, squeak, squeak
With each slow step I take, and even without a kiss for memory
Or a sweet word of parting, I won’t send you a postcard
No sunset landscape, no wish you were here,
I will leave you, be lonely
Walk miles to places we
Have never been
Europe, Africa
The Arabian
Peninsula
China
South carolina,
Listen to the wind
Watch the water
And wait.
Is this where
Your meaning
Has gone to?
Fluid, fleeting
I’ll leave you
I’ll find us.

I don’t really have any exciting news at all. The feminist potluck was quite the time, the middle east has gone even more insane than the norm, I’m spending the first week of August in Vegas.

I wouldn’t say that I’m unhappy, just a bit let down. Every time I think I’ve moved on, some offhanded moment pulls me back to the start. It’s so easy to be bitter anymore…

So… In the last few days I have;

1. Decided that taking four minors is the way to go, and have put together the following schedule.
2. Signed myself up for Greek in fall, and as such my fall schedule now looks thusly.
3. Gotten myself an independent study with Dr. Wagner, so I will be taking Catullus and Lucretius instead of Ovid
4. Found out that I indeed do not need to have introductory level Italian to go to Italy, so I likely won’t be taking Italian in spring deflecting what would otherwise have been a semester of 5 hours of Greek, 5 hours of Italian, 5 hours of German, and 3 hours of Latin.
   
5. Seriously considered minoring in Letters as well.
6. Had a really fun time with Andrea Morgan discussing ex lovers and boyfriends, along with the heteronormative ownership paradigm.
   
7. Very nearly seen the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie with Billy, and then suddenly failed. We substituted coffee and lofty discussion for the sexiness that is Johnny Depp.
   
8. Decided that I hate pretty much everyone that I work with

That being said… let’s post something (in my mind) more interesting.



I’ll ask you, "Do you love me dearly, so it hurts you to think of me?"
While I’m sitting at the river’s edge, bare toe touches glassy water
I’ll wait for you to understand me
Place pebbles beneath my tongue
And swallow them down one by one.

I’ll ask you, "Do you feel foolish and barren when you speak to me?
Hopeless when you think of me?" Referencing books
And wise men who tell me the size and color of stone
That will mend all things.

I’ll ask you, "Does your heart sink with fear and longing
When you’re alone at night?" Rocks collecting
In my hollow belly, filling me bottom to top
And with every mournful sigh they crunch.


I’ll ask you, "Have you cried, would you die for me?"
Heavy with gravel and stone; when life
Infiltrates me, seeps under my skin
I’ll grind it down to grit, shavings, sawdust
And then stone will grate stone to silt.
Then I will think, and I will say to you, full of chalk,
"This is living well."

I guess it’s time to hunker down and write you all a real post, rather than password protecting it just to get on a certain communist’s nerves.

Things have been going unremarkably for the last few weeks, a long bout of illness/depression left me sleeping a good 18 hours of every 24 for a few days there. I’ve found that when I go days without running I feel remarkably less prepared to deal with the world. Maybe I should take up a sport next semester, I have a feeling it would help me keep my head on straight.

I had my first appointment with my therapist. I like her, she seems to expect quite a bit of me, she continually asked me to explain why I did things which is kind of like being told that I ought to know better which is kind of like being told that I’m smart. Regardless, I get the vibe that she respects me and thinks I’m capable which is good. No fun new prescriptions to try out yet, but I’m supposed to meet with a different doctor sometime soon who will prescribe me medication.

There are new pictures of me on facebook. I’m also going to upload a number of them to a new page of pictures which I am in the process of putting together for this page. Pictures of me are few and far between, so I’m trying to make more of them exist in the world.

Like most holidays, my fourth of July went by more or less without note although there was the enjoyment of some pretty decent tortellini while watching fireworks. The last few weeks have reminded me how happy cooking makes me.

Billy is going to Paris! Lucky him. This makes me want to go to Europe muchly, but there is a time for everything. With any luck I’ll be going to grad school there.

Speaking of grad school, questions of where I want to be in 4 years keep popping up. OU Law is looking significantly less appetizing… If, as the case may be, I don’t desire to go to OU law all of the sudden there is no reason for me to try graduating in 3 years. I could take the fourth year and easily pull my women’s studies degree along with a minor in latin, italian, greek, and german. Yes. All of them. Easily. At OU, a minor takes approximately 15 hours of work on top of the initial 10 hours of introductory level courses. Italian and german, however, will have their introductory level courses taken over summer (in germany and italy) and as such I needn’t concern myself with factoring those courses into my schedule. So 25 hours for greek, and 30 hours for italian and german. As it stands, I need 18 hours of elective credit before I graduate (which already fits into the 3 year plan) which knocks it down to 37 hours for both majors in my final year. In the extra year I would likely tack on were I not to go to OU, assuming that I took 6 hours over summer, I would have a 15 and a 16 hour semester in order to complete four minors and a major. Overkill? Maybe…. but how I love language.

Anyway, if I did this I’d likely look a lot more appetizing to the individuals who put together scholarships for law schools… such as the individuals behind the Rhodes Scholarship program… And an international law degree would make a lot more sense.

Also my lazy ass can now do a 10 min. mile. The goal is to get it back down to about 8:30 by the time school starts, and then keep that up.

I am positively adoring Catullus, much glad to be out of Livy. This class is going to take significantly more work than I might have expected, but it’s worth it. I really adore the work I’m doing… The professor seems to like me an awful lot, and is impressed with my proper inflection of the scantion.

At night, in stillness
I turn off the lightbulb’s fluorescent harshness
Strike matches
Light candles and incense
Turn on
A nocturne, piano rock
Something mournful, sweet, lovely
I pull the curtains open to the starlight
And then strip
Watching the candle light
The exposed night
Play off each uncovered inch
Of my body
Lifting off the day’s labor-mussed garments
One at a time, no rush
No hurry, no fingers fumbling across buttons
Small and smooth
No yanking, no pulling
Slide slow into nothing
Light still flickers, licks at my body,
Lapping at the curves of my ribs and hips
Admire each inch
A moment, another moment, no reason
To push out of the instant until, content
To have seen each inch of me
I retire
Candles out, music off, incense snuffed
Climb into bed all alone and think
Someday someone will think I look as beautiful in this
As I feel I do this instant.

I now have two wrinkles. I’ll spare the emo Sylvia Plath discussing the horribleness that is getting old, and simply note the following. Billy has claimed said wrinkles, as one is from brow furrowing, and the other is from smiling. All too appropriate.