SheFallsSoftly

It has been a happy and well-adjusted morning. Let’s see if I can keep that up.

Things that make Casey happy; waking up and stretching comfortably instead of hitting the snooze button, new makeup, feeling pretty, this great shirt that I got, Lucy my Ipod, singing Fall Out Boy while walking on the South Oval, getting a double take from the emo boy at work (lol), wandering aimlessly on campus corner, fresh flowers, my white sunglasses, good books, good friends, and coffee.

A bit of Flash Non-fiction;
It had been days since I had slept properly. Nights of stress and worrying had brought me to the point of breaking, and when I woke at 5 am I was angry, to put it mildly. The couple downstairs was fighting again, somehow that didn’t surprise me. They had the sort of relationship every mother is terrified their daughter might end up in; a slew of kids, the oldest 15 and half the age of her mother, a tiny apartment, an unhappy husband, under employed, no transportation. In short, the result of a lack of birth control and a sexual expirementation gone wrong.
These sort of marriages rarely turn out happily, and at 5 am the husband was screaming at his wife, "Are you just gonna give up this easy?" I turned over in my bed, pulled the pillow over my head, tried to drown out the noise and not to listen to such a heartbreakingly honest plee. He just kept saying it though, "Are you just gonna give up this easy?" "Are you just gonna give up this easy?" Again, and again, and again, a hollow "Why?" in the face of an unchanging answer.
I remembered back to seventh grade, one quiet afternoon I talked to my mother about Kurt Blankschaen, my first boyfriend, and I told her I didn’t think I wanted to date him anymore. She asked me why I didn’t break up with him, and I told her I didn’t think he’d want to too. She laughed and told me that it didn’t matter what he wanted, "Casey, this is about you."
That seemed so selfish to me. I thought about it more and more as the weeks went on, wondered about how people made joint decisions about finances, wallpaper, and where to go to dinner with the knowledge that without even a discussion one could walk away and there was no way to prevent or change it.
I listened to him as he cried out to deaf ears, and I wanted to be there, to tell him to give in. Some things just can’t help but be so easy. No matter how hard you want to be able to make it different, there’s no logic in love, no promises are ever kept, and nothing is ever permanent.

Tonight I’m going to take a shot at finishing all four of my two page papers for Latin, along with the majority of the 12 one paragraph translations we have left. I’m also going to send off my form to accept my national merit scholarship, to confirm my state regent’s scholarship, and my insurance stuff.

I think that the happy I have when I’m around him and the happy I have when I’m away are two very different things. The happy I have when I’m away is more of an infatuation I’m feeling with rediscovering the things you don’t have when you’re seeing someone. No matter how hard I try, I’ve always changed little things about the way I dress or do my makeup when I’m with someone, wearing less or more as their feelings on the matter dictated. I also get really insecure about when people check me out. It’s sort of intriguing right now to be be able to flirt and enjoy it, and not feel guilty. I have a feeling that will get old quickly though, because no matter how cute the emo boy at work is, I don’t have much desire to date him… or anyone. It’s just nice to get the attention right now, to feel and be called pretty.