As seen reclining on an ocean swell
My mother told me last night that I never really had many nightmares when I was young… It’s odd, because I remember laying in bed trying to talk myself out of irrational fears. I’d tell myself that my cousin was right next door, my father above me in his bed, my sister asleep just below me. When you’re young and scared, proximity is everything. I know I had nightmares, I was just too terrified, anxious, and self-aware of a child to ever let her know.
"Don’t look at me like that! I SAID DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT." -Yo Saf Bridge. I’ve most certainly had moments like that. Sometimes those eyes can pierce so deep I’m certain that my soul is bleeding.
I’ve got that sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach again. Evasive doesn’t even begin to explain it. I just wish it didn’t feel this way… I wish I didn’t need it to. I’m certain there’s a synthesis I’m just not finding.
Today makes 3 times now that my body has driven me to my old apartment… I get into the parking lot, find a space, and suddenly realize that I’m far away from where I want to be.. How very like life. Regardless, I’m concerned at the sheer amount of auto-pilot that exists in my life and how rarely I scrutinize the things I am actually doing. More often I concern myself with happenings I have a significantly smaller amount of control over, nitpicking details, recording events, all the while ignoring the fact that this is the moment.
and i asked for mercy
and i asked for beauty
and if i ask too much please give me
just beauty.
just beauty.